To be with you
by Melanie Geller
Summary: Sometimes, the cold isn't always the weather. Chapter 3 Update! (Please give this one a chance)
1. To bid you goodbye

_**Hi everyone! Sorry about the delay in updates on...well, everything. (I swear, though, I've been working on it! The next chapter of Beautiful is saved on my other computer, and my other two have been making significant progress. :)) **_

_**So here's what this is: I had a little extra time on my hands, and felt like writing a little something. My problem? I didn't have enough time to write another new chapter for one of my fics, but I had enough time to write more than, say, a poem. :)**_

_**And here's where this fic comes into the picture. :) I was listening to this Sarah McLachlan cd, and realized this would be a good song to write a fic to. So I'm trying to think of something to write, a standalone, might I add, when I just started typing something. Apparently, this might be more than a standalone. ;)**_

_**An idea began to form in my head, and I kind of liked it. Sooo...please read this and tell me if you'd like to find out what happened to Monica and Chandler to make their lives so screwed up, and what's going to happen in the future. It could get very angsty at points, just from what I've been playing out in my head for the last thirty minutes, or we could leave this at a standalone and each make up our own versions of what went on. **_

_**I figured this is taking place in around season ten, but things have gone very differently, as you will all see very soon. ;) **_

_**I'm not answering anything quite yet, but I will if enough people like this and review to let me know they want to know what's going on. :) **_

_**Lemme know, kay? ;)**_

_**-takes a deep breath- This is kind of different, so here it goes...**_

_****_

_the winter here is cold and bitter_

_this chill lasts to the bone_

_we haven't seen the sun for weeks_

_too long too far from home_  
  
Chandler-  
  
As I write this, my hand is shaking. It's dark, and cold, so I write this by the light of a candle. I don't want to wake you.  
  
You've tried hard to give me a good life, and I've tried hard to be the perfect wife.  
  
But Chandler, my dear, sweet, Chandler...I don't think it's working.  
  
I'm not the woman I want to be, the one I know I can be. It's all so wrong, this life we're living. We shouldn't have to be burdened by what happened in the past; we can forget, move on.  
  
Our love isn't as strong as it once was, and this I blame on the weather. This cold and bitter frost seems to coat my heart and last year round.  
  
I miss the sun, I miss my home.  
  
I don't want to leave. I feel like I should stay.  
  
But I can't.  
  
Because if I do, something awful is going to happen...something that we won't be able to leave in our past and forget about.  
  
Not like the last time.  
  
But, Chandler, I haven't forgotten. Have you?  
  
I know you've tried, most of the time just for my benefit, but please don't forget. Never forget.  
  
But will you forget about me when I am merely memory in your mind, a torn-out page in your book of grievances?  
  
Don't worry, I'll never forget you. But I have to forget this place, this hellhole I've called home for as long as my memory allows me to travel back. If I stay, I'll only get worse. If I stay, there won't be much left of my soul to carry back.  
  
With this I leave you. Enclosed is a lock of my hair. It's nothing much, but it's all I have. Remember me when you are old and gray.  
  
How I wish I would be able to see you when that time comes, but I'm not strong enough. And if I don't leave, it'll only get worse.  
  
I have not filed for divorce, I still love you. But if I don't get away, there will be nothing left of me to get away with. This town has destroyed me, destroyed us. The years have taken their toll, and there's no getting them back.  
  
If you want to speak with me, or even to make this separation permanent, you know where to find me. For even though I can picture you now, pounding the table in frustration claiming you don't know where I've gone, you know in your heart where I'll be.  
  
The candle is almost burned out, the darkness is engulfing me. You don't know it, but I just got up to give you a final kiss.  
  
Goodbye, Chandler. You've been wonderful to me, but the pain is too much. I only wish I could have been better for you. You deserve much better than me.  
  
I will miss you with all that's left of my heart.  
  
Goodbye.  
  
_i feel just like i'm sinking _

_and i claw for solid ground _

_i'm pulled down by the undertow_

_i never thought i could feel so low_

_oh, darkness, i feel like letting go  
_  
----  
  
Taking one last glace at the place she had called home for many years and at the man she had loved with all of her heart, she turned around, tasted the salty tears that burned her tongue and stained her heart, and blew out the candle...leaving her tainted world behind.

----

**_Okay, so I'd be willing to bet you are all confused, but hang in there. ( I really don't have much time to be writing another fic, but I'll deal with it. I enjoy it too much to be burdened by it. ;)) _**

**_Please, please, leave me a review. I really am curious as to whether this should be a standalone or not._**

**_Have a great weekend, guys!_**

**_Mel_**


	2. To leave it all behind

**_Hey guys, thanks for the reviews! I appreciated every last one of them. :) Hopefully, things will start to make a little more sense in this chapter. A little, but not much. ;) Everything is explained (that I want to explain) in this chapter, so I won't say anything here except that I allude to a lot of things...see if you can figure it out. :)_**

**_Please leave me a review on this one; I think it's actually pretty good, but watch it get no reviews because whatever I think is bad in my fics, gets reviews, and the stuff I like gets none, lol. Strange, huh?_**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing. Literally, nothing. I'm sitting here, wrapped in a blanket at the library where this computer is. (lol j/k) _**

5 Years Earlier

"I love you so much," he professed, caressing her delicate, snow-white skin. Touching her was like slowly threading scarves of silk between his long fingers; the combination of her skin, her smell- sweet like honey stirred in a clear springtime vase sprinkled with daffodils- and her eyes gazing up at him with the utmost trust made his heart simply burst with the love he felt for her.

"Aw, I love you, too." She snuggled in closer, nestling her head beneath his chin. Her raven colored hair was lush and soft, her eyes closed and contented. They were happy with what they had: each other.

"I can't believe we're married," Chandler confessed. "I just never actually thought this day would come."

Monica sat up and smiled at him, the mix of her loose, baby pink, camisole hanging off of her skin and his boxers that she had claimed in her name making him grin. "What d'ya mean, you never thought it would come?"

"It's just hard to believe that I'm married, I guess."

"When do you think we should tell everyone?" The smile was now less prominent on her face.

"Soon. Whenever you're ready, I guess."

She smiled and traced his perfect jaw line with the red curve of her manicured nail. "Are you ready?"

"I think so."

"Then I am, too."

She got up and grabbed her robe off the velvet-lined, hotel chair. As she looked out her window, the city of Las Vegas smiled back at her. To think that they had come here for their one year anniversary, and they had ended up making room for another.

"Where are you going?" Chandler asked.

Monica smiled and stated obviously, "To tell everyone, of course!"

"Right now?"

"Why not?"

Suggestively, he patted the empty, warm space beside him. "Don't you want to stay here for awhile longer? The others won't be up for ages. Think of what we could do in that time..."

Cars whirred busily below her on the streets, the neon lights were silenced during the day, and Vegas looked nearly identical to New York. Monica playfully ambled towards the bed and tossed her robe behind her. "Yeah, we have some time."

As she began unbuttoning his shirt, he stopped her. "Do you really want to do this right now?"

She laughed, "You led me on, Chandler Bing, don't tease me!"

"Well, my darling wife," they both grinned, "I'm afraid now that we're married I won't be putting out as much."

"Hey!" She playfully smacked him on the stomach and laid her head down on his chest.

"I'm just kidding," he laughed. "Although I hope that won't become a problem. I just want to hold you for awhile, kiss your gorgeous smile, never let go."

"Aww..." she cooed. "Did you just make that up?"

"Sort of," he blushed. "Was it stupid?"

"Not at all," she whispered, nestling her body into his, feeling the perfect heat they generated between each other.

"Good. I just wanted you to know how much I wanted to be with you."

"I know," Monica lightly breathed as he brought his lips down upon her smoky eyelashes. "I will always want to be with you."

----

Present Time

White, fleecy snow descended in clumps, coming to rest on her dark hair that no longer was thick, no longer was full. Inside, he slept peacefully, remembering a time when they had been in love, when they had been alive.

Outside, the love of his life fumbled with her car keys, her frail hands shaking a battered melody in tempo with the rising and falling of her shallow chest.

Around her, the night air cut through her skin, opening the scars that it created before. She glanced around frantically, wondering if anyone would see her making an escape.

Even if they did, she wondered if they would care. It was them that piled the bricks upon her fragile soul, they were the ones that watched her soul bleed and cry out in pain...but did they help? Did they care? They watched the screaming continue, but did nothing as long as it didn't pierce the air in their homes, cross the boundary lines of property in the Godforsaken town.

Even though she had screamed loud enough for the whole city to hear, they had pretended it was silence that had washed over the quiet, quaint neighborhood streets, not the blood, tears, sweat, and pain.

She dropped the keys and cursed wildly, almost wanting him to hear her and carry her back inside, wrapping her up in his strong arms and kissing her face, telling her to stay.

But if she stayed, all hell would break loose and the nightmare would continue. At least this way, it would only be a memory, a reflection of the past that merely played like an unending record in the photo-album of her tainted dreams.

The car started and she pulled out of the driveway, crunching the bones of icicles and fragile snowflakes beneath her. Once, she had been like an icicle, strong and tall, hanging on comfortably to her world. Now, she was like a snowflake, freefalling through the air and hoping she'd land on something soft.

Looking through her rearview mirror, she whispered a silent farewell to the life she had endured for so long. Looking in the passenger seat, she noticed the battered, small stuffed rabbit. She must have subconsciously tucked it into the car earlier. Or had it always been there, a painful reminder of what was before.

The window in their bedroom- only his bedroom now, she reminded herself- was still dark and frosted with the poisonous white icing. He was still sleeping, holding on to his last bit of sanity they had both had in the past.

Truly, that was the only time they had been themselves, when the night curtained the pale frosty sky and they could lay in bed, silent, for hours, holding each other and shivering at what they had been before.

The headlights seeped through the white plains of snow as she sped away, the car precariously tracing the outlines of the road, doubting the existence of the next street.

She hummed with remorse those words he had spoken to her to the tune of an enchantingly sorrowful melody remembering a lullaby forgotten. "I just want to hold you for awhile, kiss your gorgeous smile, never let go."

----

**_So...let me know if it was good, bad, whatever. ;) I know it's probably confusing now, and I know you're all going "What the heck? Why did she leave him?" But you'll see. :)_**

**_Oh, and those words Chandler says...I dunno if they're from a song or whatever, but I just made them up. And if they happen to be from song I don't know about, I'm sorry, then they aren't my words. But if they're not, then they are mine. lol...Okay. _**

**_By the way, I was like almost scared when I was writing the part in present time. I don't know, but just something about it just made me shiver. Maybe it was because it was cold in my house or something, because this fic isn't scary, it's drama/angst. :) And maybe romance, if I'm feeling nice. _**

**_So why don't you be nice and leave me a review? And then maybe I'll be nice, too. _**

**_Mel_**

**_(Hey, you. Yeah, I'm talking to you. The one sitting there in that chair, debating on whether or not to leave a review or not. I know you've got somewhere to be in twenty minutes, are tired, sick, hungry, or just don't feel like leaving me a review because your story is better than mine and I got more reviews for some reason. Just remember, what goes around comes around. Leave me a review to make my day, and maybe someone will also make yours.)_**

**_Lol that was VERY stupid. :)_**


	3. To begin a new life

**_Thanks for the few reviews I've gotten on this one! I really appreciate them; they keep me going. I really do want to continue this particular fic, and I think that if I went with it, it could be really a good one. I promise. I have ideas. ;)_**

**_Wow, and look at me. An update of this and Beautiful in ONE NIGHT! Wow...guess who needs a life? (lol I'm kidding. I'm watching my little brother...but still.)_**

**_I hope things are starting to make sense now. (They won't completely until awhile, though. Thatmuch I can promise. After all, part of this story is a mystery. :))_**

**_Please, please, please review! _**

**_Enjoy._**

"Seattle?" She sat, dumbfounded. Her heart raced along, yet her mind could not comprehend. She stared down at her hands, tracing the patterns and lines with a perfectly polished fingernail.

"Seattle," he replied, not knowing how much more to say. "But, sweetie, the pay is three times as much there. We'll be living like kings and queens!"

Though he tried, and she did admire his straining efforts, she did not nod along and pretend to agree. "Chandler, I like the way we live now. I don't want to move to Seattle!"

"Mon," he sighed exasperatedly. "I don't want to either. I don't want to leave New York. I don't want to leave our friends. I don't want to take this damn job, but I don't always get what I want. It's what I have to do. When I signed on, I agreed to possible job transfers."

Tears pooled in her blue eyes. "But Chandler, please, we can't go. How can we possibly leave all of this behind?"

Chandler took a deep breath and shook his head. "I don't know. I mean, we'll find out…" He trailed off, and it didn't take him long to realize that his meager stab at humor was not well received.

"That's not funny," she sniffed while wiping her delicate tears away. "We've been married for, what, five months? And already we're moving? What about our family?"

"Well, we'll come back and visit your parents and everyone else on holidays. As for my parents…well, not that I'm happy about it, but we will be closer to my dad. And my mom can find us."

He wasn't getting it. "No, Chandler. Our family. You, and me…" she looked off into the distance. "And what if we have kids one day?"

"The neighborhood we'll be living in is in a great school district, don't worry. And I'm sure Oak Hollow will be a much nicer environment to raise children in."

"Oak Hollow?"

"It's a small county in Seattle…where we'll be living. Our address is 667 Oak Willows Lane." He smiled at her. "It's just what you've always wanted, isn't it? A nice big house with a Victorian wrap-around porch? A place where we could sip iced tea at dusk and invite the neighbors over for dinner?"

"Wait. You already know where we'll be living?"

"Yeah. The company already paid for and picked out the house."

He handed her a brochure with pictures of their new home. True to his word, the home did have a wrap-around porch, and it looked amazing from the outside. "Wow," she breathed.

"Do you like it?"

"It's gorgeous, just like out of a fairy tale. But, Chandler, I like our apartment, too. We already have the neighbors over for dinner every night! And as for sipping iced tea, since when do you drink iced tea?"

"Okay, so you'll drink your tea and I'll drink my Yoo-hoos with my funny straw. But that's not the point, Mon. The point is that I love you. And I married you. Sometimes, we both have to do things that we don't want to do. But we have to. I can't just quit, you know."

"I know." She buried her head in his neck while he smelled her hair. The scent of daisies and honey always made him feel better. She looked up and tried to smile. "For better or worse, right?"

"Right." He kissed her on the soft pout of her lip.

"So I guess we have to tell the gang now, huh?" Monica winced.

"Yeah. Have fun with that."

"Very funny. If anyone should tell them, it should be you."

"Aw, come on. How can I tell everyone that we're moving in a month?"

"We leave in a month?!"

He stared down sheepishly and mumbled, "I guess I forgot to mention that, huh?"

"Yeah, I'll say." She surveyed the apartment, mentally packing up her life.

"Are you mad?"

"Yeah. But we'll live."

Chandler patted her on the back. "Thanks, sweetie. It's not easy, but it's something we have to do. For better or for worse."

----

"You two are moving?" Joey exclaimed as Monica and Chandler braced themselves for their friend's reactions.

"Yeah, Joe, we are. My job…it's moving me to Seattle."

"And Mon…you're going to?" Ross couldn't bear the thought of the only family member he was close to leaving.

"Yeah. I kind of have to."

"Oh my God, I'm going to miss you guys so much!" Rachel said between the tears streaming down the slope of her cheek.

"But…but…can't you process data somewhere else?" Phoebe inquired.

"Well, they just built a new office and branched out to Seattle. A few 'lucky' members from our staff got chosen and they have to move out there to join the team."

"But…but…this is just awful! How can you just leave?" Joey walked over to Chandler and stood in front of him, almost willing Chandler to yell at his so-called selfishness of character so Joey wouldn't be so saddened at the thought of his friend moving across the country.

This was the question. "How can you just leave?" Chandler wondered with all his might how someone could even ask that of him. It wasn't a question of how they could just leave; it was the question of how it would affect them. There was no choice; the move was a complete and total obligation. Yet part of Chandler wondered…how could they just leave?

"We just…do."

Later that night, Phoebe pulled Monica aside. "Mon, listen, I don't think you should go."

"What? Phoebe, I can't just let Chandler go alone. I'm his wife now."

"Please listen, Mon, I have a really bad feeling."

Monica smiled in spite of her friend. "Pheebs, you always have bad feelings."

"No, no. This is different. Stronger. Something…awful. Please trust me. Chandler can find another job."

"What do you think will happen, Phoebe?"

"I don't know, Mon. I don't know. But no good can come of it. I know you don't think your life and relationships will change much…but please hear me."

Monica moved in and hugged her worried friend. "Sweetie, we'll be fine. Homesick, but fine."

The blue in Phoebe's eyes seemed as sharp and as frozen as icicles. In a deadpan voice, she whispered, "But Monica, the winters there are cold."

"They're cold here, too, though."

"No. This will be a chill that you have never known."

Ignoring her friend's prophetic predictions, Monica led Phoebe into the living room, reassuring her all the way.

If only she had listened.

----

One Month Later

Tall oak trees paved the way for the long winding street. The grass was as lush and green as it had ever been, and the sun polished the hoods of each shiny new car residing comfortably outside the three-car garages. Children's laughter rang throughout the air, a lovely melody in tune to the harmony of the tinkling music of the ice-cream truck and the bluebirds in their trees.

"So…how do you like it?"

"Sweetie, it's incredible! Just like the brochures!"

During the past month, Monica had packed, sorted, listed, and re-packed. She wanted everything to be perfect in their new home. Better yet, everyone was coming for a visit in a month after they got settled in. She didn't like to admit it, but Monica was a bit excited at the prospect of her new life with Chandler. It was new, but an adventure nonetheless.

In front of them stood a house more magnificent than the others, towering over the neighborhood. It was a clean shade of off white, and the idea of cleanliness sat well with Monica. Supported by two pillars, the second story overlooked the first. As promised, the wrap-around porch stretched the distance of their new home.

"This is it," Chandler held their shiny new key in one hand and Monica's in his other. "Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be."

He fit the key into the lock and the two proceeded to marvel at their new home.

"Oh my God! Chandler, look at these stairs!" Monica gleefully scaled them and slid down the banister into Chandler's arms. "Try it!"

He laughed at her childish delights. "All right."

She doubled over in fits of laughter as Chandler began to slide down the stairs. Certain parts of his body seemed to…get in the way.

"Ow, ow, ow!" He hopped off onto the winding staircase and crouched down, trying to soothe himself.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I forgot that it might hurt you."

"Forgot?" His voice was high and squeaky which made her giggle even more. "How could you forget? It's why you married me!"

"I know." She smiled and kissed the top of his forehead. "All better?"

"I guess."

"Come on, let's go look around more."

The rest of the house was even more superb than the staircase. Six bedrooms graced the home, as well as a library, den, study, and a crawlspace that neither one really knew what to do with.

"Mon, look at this," Chandler had beckoned when he discovered it.

"Woah. What is it?"

It was a space big enough to hold two people or a vacuum cleaner, nothing more. Perhaps in the olden days it had been used as a place to store food, yet neither could figure out what to do with it.

"Here, I'm going to go in it." Chandler took off his sweatshirt and climbed in.

"Sweetie, imagine how dusty it is!"

"Wow…you're right." He coughed loudly. "It is. Come on in!"

"No way. I'll hold your sweatshirt…which, by the way, I still don't know why you're wearing in the middle of May, but whatever."

"No, you have got to come in here!"

"Why?"

"It's cool."

"And so all of the sudden 'it's cool' makes me want to come in a dirty crawlspace? Do you not know me at all?"

Chandler poked his dust-laden head out. "You made me slide down the stairs."

She groaned. "All right, scoot over."

Immediately after venturing in, she wished she hadn't. "Gross!" She sneezed. "How can you sit in here?"

"Well, I can't really move, and it's kind of cool. But apparently, that's not enough for you," he chided.

"Haha. I'll get up." She pushed to open the door and made a discovery. "Oh my God. It has a lock on it! Wow, this would be some hiding place if we ever played hide-and-go-seek!"

"Well, honey, next game I'll know where to look for you."

"Shut up," she tapped him on the nose playfully and kissed him. "You always know where to find me."

----

The road stretched on for miles. She didn't even know where she was going. With any luck, she'd know when she got there.

For now, Monica would keep on driving.

It all seemed like a dream. No, a nightmare.

Only five years ago she had been happy.

Happy- that word sounded like a stranger to her now. Strangers…they had ruined her life. Friends…they had ruined her life. In essence, the two were one. She didn't know friend from foe or vice-versa.

Chandler was her only friend. Was…now he was gone. She left. She was two hours out of Oak Hollow and it felt good to know that. "Hollow," she laughed bitterly as lightning struck across the sky. Lightning and snow at the same time- it may as well have been the apocalypse. "They're all hollow in their hearts back there."

She switched the car into cruise, not wanting to drive or steer. It was a long stretch of road ahead, and a long one behind.

Looking behind her, she half expected a train of cars to follow. However, her fears were silenced as she watched on. There was no one.

Was there ever really?

A crew of invisible shadows teetered along the road behind her. Only she knew who they were. They were her friends, her allies. As she drove further down the strip of barren wasteland, or so she thought it was, she blasted the heat higher.

The small ragged rabbit beside her was practically on fire; the heat was up as high as it went.

Focusing on the shadows her headlights played on the snowy roads ahead, Monica realized why the heat didn't affect her.

She had been cold for far too long.

Soon, the moon began to sink as the sun crept over the horizon. Hues of pale pinks, blues, incandescent oranges and yellows were painted across the morning sky. Rich colors spread over her car and heart. She pulled over to the side of the road to fully appreciate the phenomenon.

It must have been twenty minutes later when Monica realized she was crying.

It had been so long since she'd truly seen the sunrise.

**_Thank you for reading this, I do appreciate it. I think I may set up chapters like this: the past first and then aview of the present. Is this a good way to do it or should I alternate chapters? My full intention with this was to make the picture easier to understand...you know, how the past affected the present. _**

**_Anyways, please let me know if anyone really has a preference. _**

**_I hope I get some reviews on this story. I don't know why I haven't been getting many, aside from the fact that many people may be turned off by the 'angst' category. (Personally, I love angst, but I'm a strange one.)_**

**_I'd love some feedback on anything: the storyline, my writing style, the fact that you aren't interested in this fic. ;) Whatever. _**

**_Happy new year, and I'll be updating Love at First Sight and Let me Let Go shortly into the year! (I promise...lol, I updated Beautiful tonight so there's one down!)_**

**_Mel_**


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